Archive for October, 2010

NOT WORTH IT

Posted: October 29, 2010 in School

Today comes one of the worst news I have ever had in the past. It is something about the school grade and it is a first time.

I am not at all surprised but I am still caught off guard. I am about to be totally frustrated when I come across a link posted by friends in Facebook about a graduating student my age who committed suicide yesterday because of a failed subject causing her delay in graduation (see full article: http://newsinfo.inquirer.net/breakingnews/regions/view/20101028-300306/UPLB-student-found-dead). Of course, it is painful to fail subjects especially in the part of parents who work hard for our tuition fees. She is not alone. There are a lot who shared the same pain like hers but opted to continue living. I do not blame her for killing her own life but I believe that a failing grade is not worth a life.

A part of me regrets that this happened and I still question what I have done that led to this circumstance but my mind keeps on saying that “Yes. Nobody should be blamed except you and this is the fruit of what I sow but it is not the end of life. You are left with a lesson to do things better after the failure”.

Another thing that surprised me is this grade dilemma did not hurt me the way break ups and physical hurts happen to me. I am weird but I would rather feel this way than being down and not standing up again.

The next semester is the last shot and there are no room for major mistakes. This semester must be like my very first semester in UP– a very competitive new kid in town that will walk from UP Shopping Center amidst heavy rain (because he did not know the jeepney routes!), across Engineering Bldg., Main Library to Palma Hall just to submit a one-piece paper in his teacher’s pigeon hole on time.

Yes, this is a setback, there were ones before and some will still happen in the coming months but in my twenty-one years of existence, there are no major, major mistake that happened in my life and that is something to be thankful for.

Yes, there are problems, there are always feelings of lack and uncertainty but it is more beautiful to love and be alive so I reckon that all problems that come my way shall pass and are not worth my life.

A "lived" life

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NEXT TIME

Posted: October 28, 2010 in Politics

I don’t really wanna do it but I was forced to do so, good thing it was just fast and it led to some funny moments along the way.

My second time to vote, this time in a barangay election was relatively easier and peaceful, ironic since this election did not promise PCOS machines to save the day. I felt guilty and a bit ashamed because I am familiar (and a critic actually) of national politics and its characters but I don’t even know even a single local politician in my area. I made this as a lame excuse to my Daddy for not having any plans to vote but this crappy excuse was answered as he hand me a list of who to vote since my Daddy is one of the campaign managers of a local party. As I open the paper, yes, it was a “vote-straight” thing and all I know that day was I would vote strangers and I was a zombie voter. Yes, I was and still am guilty about it.

My first time to vote was last May 2010 National and Presidential Elections (see related post) and it was six loooong hours under the sun’s heat but this October 2010 elections was only an amazing-record-breaking five minutes and the ugly ink was in my fingers. The threat of cheating, however, is more probable since I was not even asked for an ID before voting so I assume that if I pretend to vote again using another’s name, I could.

"inked" finger after voting

Moving on, I have three things in mind, first, to know the local politics and the newly-elected Barangay officials because for sure, alot if not all will still run in the coming elections. Second is to immediately erase the indelible ink in my right point finger (because last May, it took a month before the ink naturally vanished) and third, nothing much, I just look forward to a happy and cold Christmas season (Haha! Connect?)

Yehey! Sorry, excited. 🙂

“Time won’t flow everyone knows, when the pain fades away. Dreams won’t die, tears in our eyes. You’ve got to hold your head up high.” High, The Speaks

 

It’s a 2-minute phone call in the middle of the night and everything is over. It seems like an unstoppable damnation and inevitable aggravation. After the post-break up “praning” moments and that long, cold and sleepless night, I’ve finally made up my mind.

In past relationships I had, I was always the one who’s being left alone; but this is something that I should not be ashamed about, atleast I loved truly, because in abounding love comes fulfilment and happiness. I am often told that I should not give everything and reserve something for myself but it is my joy to love wholly and be loved in return. I can’t embrace and kiss someone with reservations for others or myself. For me, it’s unfair and a way of cheating. I do not and cannot waste every moment when I can show my love and admiration. Of course, with this belief, comes its own consequence, when it is time to let go and part ways, I always feel that I am the losing part. I do not care if it is a love unreciprocated, atleast I gave that person all the reasons not to leave. Masochistic as they say but I’d rather be the hurted one than the hurting one.

Pain and being broken-hearted is always a part of loving but a close friend I called last night told me that most of the time, it is not the heart that is broken, it is the ego instead. Maybe, I am just caught off-guard, that after all that happened and efforts given, things boil down to this and the natural rush of post-relationship thoughts and scenarios hover me, making clouds of disbelief and confusions over me.

Regardless if these realizations were brought by bitterness or eventual maturity, I don’t care. What matters is I am half-way saved from another sleepless and crying night. In this clear and serene mind, I realized that it’s not worth it for people who have guts to turn their backs on us. Despite of what happened and what will still happen, I am still optimistic about love. It is after all meeting one jerk after another until that one fateful day comes when you will meet that same, old hopeless romantic someone and will celebrate love and life with you and will stick with you until your ripe, old age.

It’s really nice to be in love, such a heavenly and rare feeling in this world, but we all fear the day when it is time to let go, it is the hardest part actually, but I realized that the end of love is not the end of life. We should bear in mind that love always ends for a reason and leaves with a lesson.

I know you know this blog. This is even bookmarked in your desktop and laptop. I don’t wish that you would read this but just in case you do, this is for you. Much as I want to text and call you, I can’t find a single reason to. My heart wants it but my mind hinders it. This is the last time you’ll hear things from me. I just want to say thank you. Thank you for investing something we know both of us cannot return– the time, we generously shared. Thank you for all the nights we’ve spent in entirety just talking over the phone. Thank you for the times that even when you’re eating, sitting in the toilet and almost asleep, you would still want to talk to me and hear stories from me no matter how non-sense those were. Thank you for entrusting me the most private and personal stories of your life. Thank you for the songs we dedicated and made as ringtones of each other. Thank you for staying over the line until both of us falls asleep. Thank you for staying no matter how awkward and bad the feeling and moment was. Thank you for the sweet moments I will forever remember. Beyond thank you’s, I want to say sorry. Sorry for all the immaturities and insecurities you’ve experienced with me. Sorry for not reciprocating at times the love and efforts you show to me. Again, thank you and sorry. This break-up is neither a fault of one nor the fault of both of us. Circumstances led to this and no matter how much I still want you back, I just can’t deny the nagging truth that it is over. I know we both learn from this in many ways seen and unseen. There are no goodbyes, only “see you soon” so I still hope to see you again, and by then, we are stronger, hotter, and alot happier.