END OF SEM, END OF LOVE

Posted: October 13, 2010 in Ramdom thoughts, Uncategorized

“Time won’t flow everyone knows, when the pain fades away. Dreams won’t die, tears in our eyes. You’ve got to hold your head up high.” High, The Speaks

 

It’s a 2-minute phone call in the middle of the night and everything is over. It seems like an unstoppable damnation and inevitable aggravation. After the post-break up “praning” moments and that long, cold and sleepless night, I’ve finally made up my mind.

In past relationships I had, I was always the one who’s being left alone; but this is something that I should not be ashamed about, atleast I loved truly, because in abounding love comes fulfilment and happiness. I am often told that I should not give everything and reserve something for myself but it is my joy to love wholly and be loved in return. I can’t embrace and kiss someone with reservations for others or myself. For me, it’s unfair and a way of cheating. I do not and cannot waste every moment when I can show my love and admiration. Of course, with this belief, comes its own consequence, when it is time to let go and part ways, I always feel that I am the losing part. I do not care if it is a love unreciprocated, atleast I gave that person all the reasons not to leave. Masochistic as they say but I’d rather be the hurted one than the hurting one.

Pain and being broken-hearted is always a part of loving but a close friend I called last night told me that most of the time, it is not the heart that is broken, it is the ego instead. Maybe, I am just caught off-guard, that after all that happened and efforts given, things boil down to this and the natural rush of post-relationship thoughts and scenarios hover me, making clouds of disbelief and confusions over me.

Regardless if these realizations were brought by bitterness or eventual maturity, I don’t care. What matters is I am half-way saved from another sleepless and crying night. In this clear and serene mind, I realized that it’s not worth it for people who have guts to turn their backs on us. Despite of what happened and what will still happen, I am still optimistic about love. It is after all meeting one jerk after another until that one fateful day comes when you will meet that same, old hopeless romantic someone and will celebrate love and life with you and will stick with you until your ripe, old age.

It’s really nice to be in love, such a heavenly and rare feeling in this world, but we all fear the day when it is time to let go, it is the hardest part actually, but I realized that the end of love is not the end of life. We should bear in mind that love always ends for a reason and leaves with a lesson.

I know you know this blog. This is even bookmarked in your desktop and laptop. I don’t wish that you would read this but just in case you do, this is for you. Much as I want to text and call you, I can’t find a single reason to. My heart wants it but my mind hinders it. This is the last time you’ll hear things from me. I just want to say thank you. Thank you for investing something we know both of us cannot return– the time, we generously shared. Thank you for all the nights we’ve spent in entirety just talking over the phone. Thank you for the times that even when you’re eating, sitting in the toilet and almost asleep, you would still want to talk to me and hear stories from me no matter how non-sense those were. Thank you for entrusting me the most private and personal stories of your life. Thank you for the songs we dedicated and made as ringtones of each other. Thank you for staying over the line until both of us falls asleep. Thank you for staying no matter how awkward and bad the feeling and moment was. Thank you for the sweet moments I will forever remember. Beyond thank you’s, I want to say sorry. Sorry for all the immaturities and insecurities you’ve experienced with me. Sorry for not reciprocating at times the love and efforts you show to me. Again, thank you and sorry. This break-up is neither a fault of one nor the fault of both of us. Circumstances led to this and no matter how much I still want you back, I just can’t deny the nagging truth that it is over. I know we both learn from this in many ways seen and unseen. There are no goodbyes, only “see you soon” so I still hope to see you again, and by then, we are stronger, hotter, and alot happier.

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